This is my last post here.
It has been nice to have a blog, but I have realized that it changes my life one way I cannot let it be changed - as brief as my experience is. My friends have found some insights into me that I would have liked to avoid, I have published too private material... This has been an interesting experiment with my life, but I see that it has to end now, before it gets too bad. So here it is, I am ending this blog. I am sorry.
Kidding! That much of it is true, that I will not post here anymore. But you should just update your links/bookmarks/feeds to http://blog.liriel.pri.ee/. I like the idea that all of my web is in one spot - thanks to Duke Lupus for recommending Wordpress, an installable blog engine. Though there might be some unconfigured links, some not-so-good-looking places, but I will not do anything more with it today so let it be known now before anyone posts any more comments here.
Showing posts with label why blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label why blog. Show all posts
5.05.2008
3.31.2008
A fruitful day for my blog
This is already third post today - but these other two have been nagging at me for a time, too. This one is just about today.
I have been thinking that I can't get much out of my mind and into the blog too often. And I am really sorry about that. It is not that I don't have any thoughts to share - rather I am lying awake every night for some time thinking of everything I should write about, but I can't do it because I should sleep. Well, I have come to a decision. If I feel that the dream fairy is not very kind with me at that moment (catch my irony on that fairy thing, please) I will come and blog even if I have to rise early the next day. I should get more often something published in this blog, I should get more practice at writing, I should get more things out of my head. And in the long run I might even find that I sleep better and won't spend half nights finding a more comfortable position.
I have been thinking that I can't get much out of my mind and into the blog too often. And I am really sorry about that. It is not that I don't have any thoughts to share - rather I am lying awake every night for some time thinking of everything I should write about, but I can't do it because I should sleep. Well, I have come to a decision. If I feel that the dream fairy is not very kind with me at that moment (catch my irony on that fairy thing, please) I will come and blog even if I have to rise early the next day. I should get more often something published in this blog, I should get more practice at writing, I should get more things out of my head. And in the long run I might even find that I sleep better and won't spend half nights finding a more comfortable position.
2.02.2008
Writing vs social situations
I love writing. More than speaking, more than socializing, more than messaging, calling, conversing, arguing ... more than anything. I am that egocentric. I always find something to write about, just as there is always something to think about. What I want, my little life, my hopes, dreams, happenings... What I did, what I should have done, what I yet should do, what is right or wrong or in the middle, every side of every story, endless babbling... And I find it extremely hard to stop. When I am writing I go with the flow, that special feeling of concentration, where nearly nothing disturbs you. You can go on and on and enjoy it and think of nothing else.
Sometimes I get lost in the details, so much so, that I forget, what it was I wanted to write about. For example, just this week, I tried to write a short letter to a friend of mine, to say how sorry I am that I haven't wrote while I was at home with my hardly sick son and explain why and tell him I didn't find some books he recommended. I did so in an e-mail, but I believe that its printout might have been somewhere around two times A4.
I probably scare people I write with never to write with me just by the enormous size of my letters. Some special people still do - thank you for that! But there is more than one sad thing about writing such long letters. Oh, everybody says at first, that they love long letters - and it is very exciting to get a letter where there is more than a few lines, but it doesn't stay exciting. For one thing, if they themselves don't like writing that much, then it will be hard for them to come up with as long and as dense a letter. And if they don't, they feel they are somewhat less than the one writing so long letters (that's my theory only, I am not really someone in the position to say too much about it) and when you feel bad, then you won't write. The other thing is, people are always in a hurry, me as much as anybody. Oh, I'd love to write, I'd love to fill this blog and everybody's inbox and all the bookcases with my writings, yet I rarely have the time. I rarely have the time to answer letters as well. More so because I know, that when I start, I can't stop and it takes time. And time - that precious time! - if only we had more of it for usage every day. There are powerful contenders for my time (dear child, work, friends, reading, etc) and so the writing is something that is easily put aside. It's so easy to think "I'll do it some other time", but you never find the other time... Well, going back to the writing - when I have time for writing rarely, I answer mail infrequently, people have taken offense and forgotten me before they get my answer. Sometimes, when I see, that too much time has passed, I even do not write back, believing these things to be true without confirming.
And funny thing is, that constantly babbling person never gets out in the public. The quietness rises exponentially with every added person in hearing distance - meaning alone I am the most sociable, talkative and active. Eye-to-eye I might find rapport and it seems rather like a conversation. Threesome, it gets already tricky, if everybody aren't good friends of mine (and even then I am the quiet one). Bigger group and you hardly ever hear my voice.
In social situations I am rather egocentric in another way. That is, I listen as long as anybody talks and rarely open my mouth when not addressed directly. On rare occasions I find a way to further the conversation - or more interesting cases, the argument - by adding a small remark when people find nothing to say. And then I can go on listening. It is untypical to think of quiet people in public as egocentric, but I am. I don't need to put myself out there to torn to pieces by any number of critical remarks, I rather further my knowledge and understanding by carefully and attentively listening and learning everything possible. Then I can really feel good about myself, believing that only I know the truth, only I of them all understand both sides of the problem... And it never occurs to me to tell about it.
Anyway, people who know me only in public might be very surprised to get my e-mails. Or read my blog, if anyone ever thinks of it. A nobody becomes somebody. Somebody with surprisingly complex past, unusual thoughts and dreams. Somebody surprisingly self-confident and happy about herself. But there are some that know me both ways. Some who have long conversations with me in one of the more popular messengers and then see me in the hallway and just say "Hi!", if even that. They must be really confused about me, but that's exactly who I am, they have got the most real picture of me. That is who I am, full of contradictions, multiple-sided and too complex to understand. Yet just as simple as everybody else. Just another real person.
Sometimes I get lost in the details, so much so, that I forget, what it was I wanted to write about. For example, just this week, I tried to write a short letter to a friend of mine, to say how sorry I am that I haven't wrote while I was at home with my hardly sick son and explain why and tell him I didn't find some books he recommended. I did so in an e-mail, but I believe that its printout might have been somewhere around two times A4.
I probably scare people I write with never to write with me just by the enormous size of my letters. Some special people still do - thank you for that! But there is more than one sad thing about writing such long letters. Oh, everybody says at first, that they love long letters - and it is very exciting to get a letter where there is more than a few lines, but it doesn't stay exciting. For one thing, if they themselves don't like writing that much, then it will be hard for them to come up with as long and as dense a letter. And if they don't, they feel they are somewhat less than the one writing so long letters (that's my theory only, I am not really someone in the position to say too much about it) and when you feel bad, then you won't write. The other thing is, people are always in a hurry, me as much as anybody. Oh, I'd love to write, I'd love to fill this blog and everybody's inbox and all the bookcases with my writings, yet I rarely have the time. I rarely have the time to answer letters as well. More so because I know, that when I start, I can't stop and it takes time. And time - that precious time! - if only we had more of it for usage every day. There are powerful contenders for my time (dear child, work, friends, reading, etc) and so the writing is something that is easily put aside. It's so easy to think "I'll do it some other time", but you never find the other time... Well, going back to the writing - when I have time for writing rarely, I answer mail infrequently, people have taken offense and forgotten me before they get my answer. Sometimes, when I see, that too much time has passed, I even do not write back, believing these things to be true without confirming.
And funny thing is, that constantly babbling person never gets out in the public. The quietness rises exponentially with every added person in hearing distance - meaning alone I am the most sociable, talkative and active. Eye-to-eye I might find rapport and it seems rather like a conversation. Threesome, it gets already tricky, if everybody aren't good friends of mine (and even then I am the quiet one). Bigger group and you hardly ever hear my voice.
In social situations I am rather egocentric in another way. That is, I listen as long as anybody talks and rarely open my mouth when not addressed directly. On rare occasions I find a way to further the conversation - or more interesting cases, the argument - by adding a small remark when people find nothing to say. And then I can go on listening. It is untypical to think of quiet people in public as egocentric, but I am. I don't need to put myself out there to torn to pieces by any number of critical remarks, I rather further my knowledge and understanding by carefully and attentively listening and learning everything possible. Then I can really feel good about myself, believing that only I know the truth, only I of them all understand both sides of the problem... And it never occurs to me to tell about it.
Anyway, people who know me only in public might be very surprised to get my e-mails. Or read my blog, if anyone ever thinks of it. A nobody becomes somebody. Somebody with surprisingly complex past, unusual thoughts and dreams. Somebody surprisingly self-confident and happy about herself. But there are some that know me both ways. Some who have long conversations with me in one of the more popular messengers and then see me in the hallway and just say "Hi!", if even that. They must be really confused about me, but that's exactly who I am, they have got the most real picture of me. That is who I am, full of contradictions, multiple-sided and too complex to understand. Yet just as simple as everybody else. Just another real person.
1.30.2008
Opening another new blog
... for another excitingly boring person.
Oh, I just couldn't be without a blog with this buzzword so much around. And today - not a very special day at all - I somehow decided, this should be it, this should be the day I start. Well, it is true that it is never worth waiting. Any day is as good as another and no day is soon enough to start, yet there never seems to be a day special or meaningful enough to be a reason enough to start with such big a change to my life. Or yet, there doesn't need to be a big reason at all. I might do it just out of spite, that this is no special day at all. Make it special as The Day Kaja Started Blogging. (Kaja, yes, that's my real name. Means Echo by the way. Funny, huh.) Just start posting here and now - and this is what I am somehow doing just now. Not believing myself, what a clown I have suddenly become.
I'll tell you what I plan on posting here so you can decide whether to come back or not:
Actually, I don't really care, if there is anyone out there, who would want to read my blog. I write for my enjoyment and practice, primarily, and for readers' interest, second. So don't bother commenting how boring you find my blog. Don't read it then!
Oh, I just couldn't be without a blog with this buzzword so much around. And today - not a very special day at all - I somehow decided, this should be it, this should be the day I start. Well, it is true that it is never worth waiting. Any day is as good as another and no day is soon enough to start, yet there never seems to be a day special or meaningful enough to be a reason enough to start with such big a change to my life. Or yet, there doesn't need to be a big reason at all. I might do it just out of spite, that this is no special day at all. Make it special as The Day Kaja Started Blogging. (Kaja, yes, that's my real name. Means Echo by the way. Funny, huh.) Just start posting here and now - and this is what I am somehow doing just now. Not believing myself, what a clown I have suddenly become.
I'll tell you what I plan on posting here so you can decide whether to come back or not:
- A thought, that has come to me, that keeps on nagging me and doesn't let me be at peace. I will have to blog it out of my mind. I do it, but it might not be nice or even interesting.
- Random ramblings about stuff that make up my life, be it work (software analyst as I am), home (single mother and apartmentowner as I am), friends (different persons, all of them earning my respect in another different way), hobbies (you'll probably see my latest paintings and ideas of handicraft) and ...
- Trying out some ideas I think on turning into books or poems or novels or paintings or something. More for the writing itself, less for readers' comments. Though I am sure to be flattered by most of the replies. If anyone bothers to comment, I've made a difference and it makes me glad :)
- Random bits of conversation, where I somehow reveal another part of my personality or are some other way meaningful or seem to be worth making them accessible to everyone. These will be bits from real-life conversations and some real characters from my life will be involved. Yet as this blog is primarily about me, the personality and even identity of the person the conversation was had originally will be as marginal as someone can be, who just prompted me on a train of thought, just made me write up something about myself. I promise to protect the identity, always. Except when asked otherwise by the person. Yet these might be some very personal bits from the perspective of me. Please don't judge me by only one of them. I hope to evolve and become better and more intelligent and more wise postly.
- etc... I don't know. Maybe there will be some etc. Yet just as possible is that I stop blogging after this first day (which is not even dawning yet) and you can never read even something about these things promised here earlier... Yet one thing I post for sure - link to my real homepage - http://liriel.pri.ee/. There you have it. Too static to be contemporary :)
Actually, I don't really care, if there is anyone out there, who would want to read my blog. I write for my enjoyment and practice, primarily, and for readers' interest, second. So don't bother commenting how boring you find my blog. Don't read it then!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
