A test to while away time

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

I don't think there are tons of friends, but I am busy alone as well, never able to choose, which of my hobbies to choos at any given moment... "You find it hard to turn down an opportunity ..." is absolutely right.

No more than one this time, though..

Odium

see: definitions of Odium, if you don't know the word.

Kurjus (original title in Swedish: Ondskan)
Jan Guillou
Translated into Estonian by Vladimir Beekman
the book in Wikipedia
the movie in Wikipedia

Last night around 3AM I finished a book, something Wikipedia says is the first book that a majority of people who in their teens first become interested in reading, choose to read. Those who saw me choosing it didn't mention it to be read by them so that might be true only in Sweden or something. I hadn't even known such book existed, not until on Valentine's Day we were donating blood and this was one of the books you could choose as your thank-you-gift. This was the book I chose. Mostly because of its stylish black-and-red cover on this Estonian issue, it reminded of an painting I lately saw in Kumu.

And now I am absolutely happy that I have read it, horrifying as it is. Don't let yourself be scared off by the fact, that teenagers allegedly are the ones to read it - it is serious reading for grownups, too.

I would like to tell something what I didn't see on those Wikipedia pages. Erik, the main character in this book, is exceptionally intelligent and not at all the thoughtless bully, that would just use his musculature to get what he wants, as might seem by the descriptions. He is very good at reading and using body language, psychology and precise hits to make the actual fight as short as possible. He plans everything precisely from how to make the other fear - to make it worse for them -, how to invite him to use one or other blow - to turn the fight the way he wants it to go. Even sometimes letting himself be beaten to shame the real bully by not defending himself. What is also exceptional (and hard to believe, really) is how he is able to put up with that much pain. But as this book is autobiographical (as I thought it to be when reading - but I thought the author's alter ego would be Pierre, smart kid and friend of Erik, who in the book also mentions that he wants to become a writer), it might be true. I am not that much of a expert on pain, luckily¹ :)

Other thing notable are his altruistic motives in both schools.
In the first school, where he is the head of the bully gang, they are providing services and the beatings are just to make debtors pay (and others be afraid of not paying) - and they know beforehand, that these will come when they do not pay for the services². They don't do it for the fun of it. He is organizer, the brains behind making the world a better place (by his standards, of course). For example - he makes life hell for the teachers, who resort to physical punishments, but doesn't let anyone disturb the lessons of the good teachers. He always stands up for his friends (who betray him afterwards) even when that means getting beaten himself.

In the second school, where he is just another lower-class student, and a new and "uppish" one at that, he doesn't act up to protect only himself (and his nerdy roommate) from regular sanctioned beatings (though it starts out that way) - he wants to do something to change this absurdly violent law of the school, where grownups always watch the other way and children are regularly sent to hospital in close-by town because "they have fallen from some stairs". He wants away from the violence, but the book shows that sometimes nonviolent means are not possible to end it. That is, when law is on the side of the violence (and schools act under their own law not the law of the country).

Anyway, not much to add - everyone should read it, starting from children really that age (12(?)-16) to (would-be) parents to people working with children. I am trying to hide myself behind the belief that in contemporary schools things cannot be like that (any more) - neither one of those ways that is pictured in that book. That is something similar to what I had to repeat to myself after watching the movie Klass as well - things are not as bad in real life. Now I'd like to see the Oscar-nominated movie as well. In this book the things were explained very well from the point of view of Erik, but I'd like to see it in action. It must be good.

Somehow movies and books about violence towards kids and between them happen to slip to my path these days. And they frighten me, I grow afraid for my son, that lovely, naive and good-hearted boy... He will definitely keep on going to his judo classes, if I can do anything about it!

¹ Though I avoid crying because of the pain as well. Come to think of it, it isn't that hard on those rare occasions it has happened to me - for example I go to play volleyball each Monday with colleagues and there have been some tough hits for me. I might have "leaked water from my eyes", but I haven't cried out. And it was hard for me to force myself to cry out when I was birthing my son - though the pain, when something ripped because I was pushing so hard, was the biggest I've felt my whole life... And I haven't had such hate as he had to help me.

² Oh I am not saying that it is OK to beat other children (or grownups as in mafia) if they owe you, but in that world he is in, it is accepted. In the manner he has been brought up, beating is the only applicable punishment, and it is given for even the slightest of mistakes, it is a daily endurance test. He sees and uses other means as much as possible, but in that world the violence is unavoidable. In some places it is even hinted, that it is because of World War II, the echoes created by that war. How people believe in physical punishments and beat their kids; how even schools use physical punishments (which is quite unthinkable these days).

Love

On the occasion of yearly Valentine's Day I thought I'd write a bit about how I feel about love. I love it. That's it!

Well, there was more to say about it. First thing being that there is so much meaning connected to that word that ordinarily you don't express it very often. Well, maybe to your husband¹, if you have one. But the love for your husband is only one kind of love and you don't express those others nearly as often as that. I can sincerely say that I love many people, none of them a marriage prospect. But I (almost) never tell them how I love them. In the fear of leaving the wrong impression, primarily. I am always afraid, I'll blow glowing the embers of hope just to crush them again...

I also say that love in marriage is an extreme not a rule (not that there shouldn't be love in marriage, there has to be, but that the love, as it is felt, is in its one extreme in conditionalness).

For example, I really and truly love my son. It is overwhelming and unconditional. I might send harsh words towards him, punish him, quarrel with him, not really get along with him, but I always love him with no limits. I believe this is the only really onconditional love - this love between mother² and child. I love him, whatever he does and whatever he wants to be; however incompatible³ our wishes or personalities are.

But love between lovers is always conditional. He is just one of those you can choose from. There is always a "because" to this love.

Oh,
the way he smiles,
the way he shies,
the way he cries,
the way he lies...
liriel, just now


Husband is someone carefully chosen - because of his personality, charisma, your compatibility... Maybe in the old days when your parents were the ones to choose, you could find women unconditionally loving their husbands (they might as well have hated them or just accepted them), but that is probably gone now, hopefully forever. Contemporary woman chooses or lets herself be chosen (which is just giving away the initative, but choosing all the same).

Well, there is love at first sight (love because of appearances?), but even then the partner is easily dumped and forgotten if you find out that he is not what you imagined him to be. That can be considered choosing as well, pretty dumb when unemotionally analysed, but with high risk there might be high gain.

I am not absolutely saying, that you shouldn't choose at all, just take whatever's available. You should and you must choose if ever there are many fish in the seas. This choosing is really, what makes your husband special - you must know that there is nobody better out there that you could buy with your personality. And when he is the best then it is not hard to really and truly love him.

I am just trying to prove that love in marriage is the other extreme of love's conditionalness. On the one end there is love for your child and on the other love for your husband. In between your love for your children, which is quite unconditional however it appears to children themselves, and love-in-marriage, which always has the condition, there are love for friends, colleagues, neighbours... You choose your friends (knowingly or not) by several characteristics (for example by how much fun it is to be together or the count of common interests), but you can forgive them many things you would never forgive your husband. You cannot (not mostly anyway) choose your colleagues or neighbours and it is mandatory to forgive some traits in them to keep on working together towards common goal. Of course, in any relationship you have to look out for your own interests as well...

A question I get asked sometimes: Could you love husband as much as your son? Of vital importance to anyone interested in marriage and children. I'd say, as many before me, that you cannot compare the taste of strawberry to the taste of lasagne. You may say - this is sweet and that is salty, but you cannot compare, which taste you like better. Though they are both tastes. The same goes for children and men - the love is too different to compare. Having one doesn't make you want less of the other. And this, now, has nothing to do with how conditional the love is.

Reading all of this I might seem to be harsh on love-in-marriage, but bitter is the better word...

¹ I am in this post always referring to husband or him when these things really might apply to other combinations of he's and she's. I am doing this to keep this sexist nonsense that you should always reveal the difference between woman and man, out of my post and keep my mind on the real issue. And I have chosen the male because that is what I know, that is where I see from - that's from the position of woman loving man. Or rather, from the memory of that.
And I accept that there are many different kinds of relationships between lovers, but I use the word "marriage" and "husband" to show which kind of love is it I am talking about in that particular case.

² Some fathers have told me, they feel the same way about their children, but nobody knows for sure, if it is really the same...

³ And our personalities are really incompatible. I love to do things alone - small things with my hands, big things with my mind. He loves to socialize and actively interact, almost never doing anything just by himself. And when I want to be alone with my thoughts and handicraft, and he wants to talk or play with me, wealready have a basis for a quarrel.

Testmania continues

What to do, if you need a break? Go through more tests :)

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You Are a Strawberry

You are friendly, outgoing, and well liked by many people. You are popular, but there's nothing you ordinary or average about you. You a very interesting person, and you have many facets to your personality. Sometimes you feel very conflicted. Your different sides of your personality pull at you. You are a very sensual and passionate person. You are fiery... you can't help it. In general, you keep your passionate side under wraps. You are only wild in private.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Hmm, strawberry icecream, strawberry - the tests make me seem like a strawberry person... Really, I am not. I eat them, ocasionally I like them, but I don't buy them.

You Are Very Sexy

Damn! You are one hot number. You have a lot of sex appeal. You know you're sexy, and you're not afraid to put it all out there. And while you're very appealing, you're careful not to be trashy or over the top. Sexy is all about attitude. And you totally have the attitude that people love. How You Are Sexy You are open to all sorts of experiences, and you have a taste for the exotic. Your adventurous spirit is very sexy. You keep your body fit and healthy, and that's hot. Plus, sweating is also sexy! You feel gorgeous, and you always try to look your best. You make the best of what you've got. Totally sexy! You are secure in social situations, and you definitely have a confident vibe. And that's very sexy.

Are You Sexy?

That's unexpected - I am sexy in the inside?

You Are a Total Brainiac

You're amazingly brilliant. Some would even say genius. You're curious, thoughtful, analytical, and confident. You take on difficult subjects because you want to... not because you have to. No field of knowledge is too complicated or intimidating for you. You've got the brains to do anything you want. It's possible you end up doing everything you want.

Are You a Brainiac?

That's what I hoped for - though I know I have a long way to go yet...

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Another career-change..? Actually, I am painting pictures and do stuff when I feel like it, but generally I believe being an artists shouldn't be primary proffession for me, only a hobby.

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky. You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster. Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural. Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control You play well with: Vampires

What Kind of Monster Are You?

Just for the fun of it :D But roaming the forests at nights and going through life normally at other times, that's a perfect way to be monstrous :) I remember reading a novel about a girl, who discovered herself to be werewolf, unfortunately I don't remember how it ended... Some aspects of the novel were really memorable and enviable, though.

You Should Play the Accordion

You are eccentric, funky, wacky... definitely one of a kind. People have trouble putting you in any one particular category. You definitely have your own thing going on. You are a born entertainer. No wonder you'd be perfect as an one man (or one woman) band. Your musical influences likely cross all genres - and blend together in a very unusual way. While you are definitely offbeat, you also enjoy tradition and influences from the past. It's just your style to take an old fashioned instrument like the accordion and make it uniquely yours. Your dominant personality characteristic: your total inhibition Your secondary personality characteristic: your interest in obscure activities and subjects

What Musical Instrument Should You Play?

No, thanks, no accordion for me! Well, maybe because it instantly connects with lame folk songs, or rather, drinking songs (I hate VLÜ or Seelikukütid!)... If you really think about it, though, accordion might work as a base for something unique and interesting... But I believe I would never learn to play any instrument, what with ears of dancefloor for elephants. But I plan on posting one about music and all it is and should be and like here...

You Are 80% Good

You are a good person. You do the best you can to be ethical, fair, and moral. And as you know, being a good person means making hard decisions... and following them through. If you're confronted with an ethical dilemma, you will usually do the right thing. Of course you do slip up. No one's perfect. But you do your best to correct your missteps. You are also probably: incredibly honest, especially with yourself Right now you are on track to being: A respected leader To be a better person: Be kind to someone who is not very kind to you

How Good Are You?

Ohh, I am tooo good, I know it, please, try not to take advantage of me!

You Are a Green Crayon

Your world is colored in harmonious, peaceful, natural colors. While some may associate green with money, you are one of the least materialistic people around. Comfort is important to you. You like to feel as relaxed as possible - and you try to make others feel at ease. You're very happy with who you are, and it certainly shows! Your color wheel opposite is red. Every time you feel grounded, a red person does their best to shake you.

What Color Crayon Are You?

Another unexpected :) I like other colors more, though personality type is a match...

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So much for now again :)

Music

I seem to be an exception when it comes to music (or is it common and I haven't noticed?). I really can enjoy practically every kind of music, I don't choose the style even loosely. I have tried to rationalize and find a common element in all the bands I love, but I have failed this far. This might be because I am not so much an expert on music, but may be there really is no common element.

What I have found out, is that the music I really like changes my mood or at least expands and intensifies it. I have found inspiration in music as well as enjoyment. But that is it. I might jump wildly to some stupid folk song, I might dream to some ambient or nu-jazz, I might dance and sing to simple pop and bang my head to hard metal - and love them all¹. Somehow it makes no difference in the level of enjoyment, only the way I am enjoying it. Sometimes I even feel like I am impersonating the kind of person who listens this kind of music, when listening and actively enjoying some music. Some styles are not as accepted as some others though and this sometimes makes it even harder for me to enjoy them fully in public, but that is something I really want to get out of my behavior².

What made me think about it, really, was our company's New Year party, where there was a DJ playing old popular Estonian tunes, "old" as "from my childhood and older", just like radio Elmar might play. It was really refreshing in a nostalgic way to hear them again, sing along to them (not dance this time, and I am sorry for that), just remember them. They are sometimes really hilarious and go well with the party spirit. Some way every time you have enjoyed them in some party is remembered and stacked at the time you hear them, and this makes you enjoy them even more.

But I was embarrassed of the joy and didn't join in (most of the time). There were others. And then there was a really exceptional person, who said he hasn't hear them all his childhood, he feels no nostalgia and this kind of music leaves him indifferent (it angered or at least annoyed others not openly enjoying it). At the time I said, "Lucky you!", but the moment I said it I felt it was a false statement.

To explain why, I have to tell about something else. For a time I had felt bad about my child liking Elmar, singing its songs and even its own commercial too often. I could understand him loving those songs - at least he understands what they talk about; they are simple, catchy tunes and lyrics. And I couldn't do anything, because he will hear them anyway every time he goes to my parents' house (and that is often). And I myself like to be in silence (eg without background noise like radio or TV) when at home and doing something with him, and when we are not in action, there is mostly some other background (TV or computer) not my kind of music. And when I have tried to let him listen to my favorites, he always pleads to turn the music off. So I settled to the fact that I started from hearing such music as well and didn't turn out quite so bad (or did I?).

But hearing my colleague announcing his indifference to those songs, I felt sorry for all the fun he is missing. And at the same time was really glad about the future my son will have. In some way it has to be part of the childhood, to hear those simple and catchy tunes, to sing along in the parties - to be able to continue easily connecting with other such people in common parties in adulthood. Oh, it might not be a requirement, but it's fun, more fun than not having the memory from early on.

Well, there is a question still. Maybe I am not able to settle to any one kind of music for just the same thing - I cannot differentiate between the good and the bad. Yet I feel to be more lucky than not to have this ability to enjoy every kind of music, empathize with it. Though it does make it really hard for me to find all the bands that I like, or even that one band, that one album, I should put on right now to make me feel just so... Harder still because I am not any expert in music, have musical ineptness and I am not planning to change this³.

¹ There are many styles not listed here, but I believe I could enjoy them as well. I have knowingly made an exception to rap/hip-hop, because I don't like their attitude towards life, each-other and especially women. And there are some styles I seem to be unable to connect with, but I haven't discovered many of them so far.

² Well, I want to get over of many dishonest and antisocial behaviors, more of them in some other post. But in a word, I am too shy in public to live up to some of my ideals - that is be honest and straightforward. I sometimes can be - and shock others that see it - but mostly I am not.

³ One cannot go in depth in every field, there has to be a choice - knowing choice - and that means, that some interests have to go unexplored. But more of that in some other post.

Testmania

Someone I know frequently posts test results on his blog. I'll follow :)

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The Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: -6.88
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.56

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Love Type: INTP

The Thinker In love, you are honest and serious about commitment. For you, sex is something you think about and desire a lot of the time. Overall, you are pure in your affection and feelings. However, you tend to be suspicious and distrusting at times. Best matches: ENTJ and ESTJ

What's Your Love Type?

You Are a Good Girl!

You're into fun - but it has to be your own brand of fun Drinking? No thanks. You rather spend your time differently... Whether it's talking with friends, taking up a hobby, or reading You're not the type to socialize just for socializing's sake!

Are You a Party Girl?

You Are Cheesecake

Rich, sweet, and simply perfect. You're not boring - you're just the best!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

I just looove cheese-cakes, they got that right :)

You Are 60% Feminine, 40% Masculine

You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you. You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

You Are A Strawberry Ice Cream Girl

Sweet. Romanic. Genuine.

What Flavor Ice Cream Girl Are You?

Hmm, really, I prefer plain vanilla with tiniest bits of chocolate... Strawberry tends to be a bit tooo sweet.

You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Are You an Alpha Female?

Your Ideal Pet is a Cat

You're both aloof, introverted, and moody. And your friends secretly wish that you were declawed!

What's Your Ideal Pet?

And a cat I will have... Some day, when I get down to it. And I want the cat to be absolutely black and smooth...

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Some men have said complements about my eyes, yet I know of nobody, I've killed just by sight, not even figuratively speaking :D

Your Hidden Talent

Your natural talent is interpersonal relations and dealing with people. You communicate well and are able to bring disparate groups together. Your calming presence helps everything go more smoothly. People crave your praise and complements.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

There must be something wrong with this test - I an absolutely awful at interpersonal relationships, I'd rather be alone than with somebody else most of the time!

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Who would've thought..? I definately enjoy them, but who wouldn't?

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait

How Do Men See You?

Choosy I am, life has made me so... And it has been long since anyone has asked me out and I have agreed...

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Modifying

Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Sometimes, that's true. But sometimes I am creative, impulsive and emotional... Which is truer then?

Your Inner Eye Color Is Blue

You've got the personality of a blue eyed women You're intense and expressive - and always on the go You've also got a sweet, playful side - which draws men in

What Color Eyed Woman Are You Really?

... as is my "outside" eye color :)

Your True Sign Is Sagittarius

Funny Confident Easily Bored Philosophical World Traveler Spontaneous and Wild Carefree and Irresponsible Blunt to the Point of Tactless

What Sign Woman Are You, Really?

Now you know, I am not Gemini after all :)

Your Inner Color is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a partner who sees your vision and adopts it as their own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

What's Your Inner Color?

Hmm, career change needed..?

And when purple, then which :D

Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

Dark! True!

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP)

Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant. Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Interesting, does the test ever say - You are a commoner ..?

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

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That much for today, maybe more on some other day :)

Writing vs social situations

I love writing. More than speaking, more than socializing, more than messaging, calling, conversing, arguing ... more than anything. I am that egocentric. I always find something to write about, just as there is always something to think about. What I want, my little life, my hopes, dreams, happenings... What I did, what I should have done, what I yet should do, what is right or wrong or in the middle, every side of every story, endless babbling... And I find it extremely hard to stop. When I am writing I go with the flow, that special feeling of concentration, where nearly nothing disturbs you. You can go on and on and enjoy it and think of nothing else.

Sometimes I get lost in the details, so much so, that I forget, what it was I wanted to write about. For example, just this week, I tried to write a short letter to a friend of mine, to say how sorry I am that I haven't wrote while I was at home with my hardly sick son and explain why and tell him I didn't find some books he recommended. I did so in an e-mail, but I believe that its printout might have been somewhere around two times A4.

I probably scare people I write with never to write with me just by the enormous size of my letters. Some special people still do - thank you for that! But there is more than one sad thing about writing such long letters. Oh, everybody says at first, that they love long letters - and it is very exciting to get a letter where there is more than a few lines, but it doesn't stay exciting. For one thing, if they themselves don't like writing that much, then it will be hard for them to come up with as long and as dense a letter. And if they don't, they feel they are somewhat less than the one writing so long letters (that's my theory only, I am not really someone in the position to say too much about it) and when you feel bad, then you won't write. The other thing is, people are always in a hurry, me as much as anybody. Oh, I'd love to write, I'd love to fill this blog and everybody's inbox and all the bookcases with my writings, yet I rarely have the time. I rarely have the time to answer letters as well. More so because I know, that when I start, I can't stop and it takes time. And time - that precious time! - if only we had more of it for usage every day. There are powerful contenders for my time (dear child, work, friends, reading, etc) and so the writing is something that is easily put aside. It's so easy to think "I'll do it some other time", but you never find the other time... Well, going back to the writing - when I have time for writing rarely, I answer mail infrequently, people have taken offense and forgotten me before they get my answer. Sometimes, when I see, that too much time has passed, I even do not write back, believing these things to be true without confirming.

And funny thing is, that constantly babbling person never gets out in the public. The quietness rises exponentially with every added person in hearing distance - meaning alone I am the most sociable, talkative and active. Eye-to-eye I might find rapport and it seems rather like a conversation. Threesome, it gets already tricky, if everybody aren't good friends of mine (and even then I am the quiet one). Bigger group and you hardly ever hear my voice.

In social situations I am rather egocentric in another way. That is, I listen as long as anybody talks and rarely open my mouth when not addressed directly. On rare occasions I find a way to further the conversation - or more interesting cases, the argument - by adding a small remark when people find nothing to say. And then I can go on listening. It is untypical to think of quiet people in public as egocentric, but I am. I don't need to put myself out there to torn to pieces by any number of critical remarks, I rather further my knowledge and understanding by carefully and attentively listening and learning everything possible. Then I can really feel good about myself, believing that only I know the truth, only I of them all understand both sides of the problem... And it never occurs to me to tell about it.

Anyway, people who know me only in public might be very surprised to get my e-mails. Or read my blog, if anyone ever thinks of it. A nobody becomes somebody. Somebody with surprisingly complex past, unusual thoughts and dreams. Somebody surprisingly self-confident and happy about herself. But there are some that know me both ways. Some who have long conversations with me in one of the more popular messengers and then see me in the hallway and just say "Hi!", if even that. They must be really confused about me, but that's exactly who I am, they have got the most real picture of me. That is who I am, full of contradictions, multiple-sided and too complex to understand. Yet just as simple as everybody else. Just another real person.